Northwestern Launches Pre-Mohel Major

EVANSTON — Jewish Studies Professor Ari Silverman announced that the Department of Jewish Studies would be launching a pre-Mohel major. “Students majoring in pre-Mohel studies will acquire a firm understanding of the religious, historical, biological, cultural, bioethical, and legal elements of cutting off a baby’s foreskin,” Silverman explained to students at Northwestern’s Fiedler Hillel Center.

“While the major is not necessarily pre-medical or pre-rabbinical, we strongly recommend that students consider taking on other roles that are crucial to the Jewish tradition and covenant with God. The department will work to provide students with internships not only as Mohels and assistant Mohels, but also as other important figures in the Jewish community including Hazzans, Gabbais, and Bar Mitzvah DJs,” Silverman announced.

“We understand that the major is of a very uncommon sort, not only for Northwestern University but for the world,” Professor Silverman continued. “Unlike most college majors, it actually prepares you for a job.”

Silverman went on to explain that while the demand for other majors may wane in the future, the need for Mohels will be constant. “Engineers are all going to be unemployed once the economy collapses, and we don’t have money for their kooky machines. Doctors are all going to be replaced by pills one day. But, as long as Jews keep making baby boys, there are going to be good jobs for Mohels.”

Silverman assured students that the pre-Mohel major was “limber and flexible” and could easily be combined with other majors. “We did strongly consider making History of the Holocaust mandatory, but then we remembered that class is super-depressing, so students will be able to choose between History of the Holocaust and a class about Jon Stewart,” said Silverman.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *