Chief Keef Oversleeps, Misses Deadline for ED Northwestern Application
CHICAGO — A frustrated and confused Chief Keef woke up Monday morning discovering that, having been asleep since noon on Friday, he had not turned in his Early Decision application to Northwestern University before the November 8th deadline.
“Shit, shit, shit,” said Mr. Keef as he groggily checked the Common Application website from his Android smartphone. The 18-year-old rapper continued, ”Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not good. I had it all planned out. Damnit.”
The rapper had completed his essays for the application a week prior to the deadline, but had refrained from submitting his application until Friday night, as he hoped to perform one final check for incorrect spelling and grammar.
While the contents of Mr. Keef’s college applications are strictly confidential and held by The Common Application, baseless speculation by The Flipside’s rap analyst Mariano Fredericks revealed that Mr. Keef’s personal statement contains a link to his own Wikipedia page, that each essay in the application holds exactly 300 words, and that Mr. Keef intends to major in Learning and Organizational Change within the School of Education and Social Policy. At least one essay is entitled “Me and Kanye: The True Meaning of Friendship.” Keef prominently mentions his dedication to public service in all three of his essays.
The rapper then quietly crept out of the University of Illinois in Chicago dorm room in which he had slept for the last three days, hopped into an all-white BMW, and began an eight-hour drive to Lewiston, Maine to take a tour of Bates College. The drive from Chicago to Lewiston takes sixteen hours for those who obey speed limits.