Students Caught Studying “Anatomy” in Mudd Library

EVANSTON — McCormick sophomore Ashley Bass studies at Mudd Library on a weekly basis, but what she saw at a recent visit just about scarred her for life: a group of fellow students studying human anatomy in very explicit detail.

Bass would later write a letter of complaint, but was only rebuked. According to the library’s official statement, “it is our duty to provide the public with information and resources, regardless of how they may use them.”

The scandal has sparked a debate about how controlling libraries should be over their patrons’ time there.

There are many avid supporters of unrestricted internet access. “The first stipulation of the bill of rights protects our right to porn!” exclaimed Medill senior Jeremy Johnson. “We shall not be deprived of our freedom to fap! Our prerogative to pornography! Our liberty to lovemaking!”

Others are outraged. “What if children were nearby? What if normal people were nearby? Go jerk off at home. It’s not that hard,” says Weinberg junior Richard Long. “How do you even keep a boner at the library? Damn.”

The debate has spread to engulf the surrounding area. Public libraries in Evanston, Arlington Heights, and Orland Park have also come under fire for a lack of internet filters.

Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner recently donated several million dollars to the aforementioned libraries to “show [his] support for the freedom of expression in entertainment.”

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