Twitter Stock Value Fluctuates during Online Feud

NAPERVILLE, IL — Twitter stock value fluctuated over the past three days, the result of an ongoing feud between two Naperville High School students.

The online conflict between sophomores Ginamarie Giovanna and Samantha Schlesinger began when Schlesinger tweeted, “Some girls have a disease called fake…hope they get better soon #annoyed.”

“No need to subtweet hunnay,” Giovanna replied. “You didn’t get invited to 1 party…Im sry but your friends are obnox and my parents werent home #whatwereyougonnawearanyway,” she said.

After a series of third-party retweets and favorites, stock traders on Wall Street began to react, fearing that the popularity of the conflict would divert attention from advertisements and reduce the profitability of the website. Shares fell from the IPO price of $26 to $13 in less than an hour.

After seeing Giovanna’s response, Schlesinger responded, “You know this is more then just that. People haven’t forgot about what you n Jeremy pulled at homecoming #winecoolers.”

“Really Sam? Sorry I forgot you need to be pretty to make it into homecoming court #hatersthrowingshade,” interjected junior Jeremy Baxter, who was cited with disorderly conduct at this year’s homecoming parade.

In the minutes following Jeremy’s revelation, the stock price soared, reaching a high of $56.09. “This rise in price makes sense given the financial law of linear information,” said financial analyst Joyce Gumreth. “Jeremy’s added informational value diluted the conflict, pushing attention back toward advertisements.”

“Honestly over it #h8rsh8 #literallydone,” said Schlesinger, ending the Twitter feud seconds before the end of the trading day.

Giovanna signaled that she had moved on from the conflict ten minutes later. “My mom made steak but im being a spoiled brat and making her drive Kim and me to Chipotle #daddysgirl #princessprobs,” she said.

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