Bill de Blasio Takes a Dump; New Yorkers Relieved
NEW YORK — Last week, newly inaugurated mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers when he was caught eating pizza with a fork and knife. Since then, de Blasio has been on a quest to redeem himself and bring himself back as the champion of the middle class.
De Blasio regained the hearts and faith of thousands when on Monday he was seen using a public restroom. It was reported that he entered the restroom in the Times Square McDonald’s, and proceeded to wait for a stall. Upon a toilet being freed, he then entered the stall, pulled his pants down, and took a dump like a true New Yorker.
The news quickly spread via Twitter, when Jonathan Dove (@JonDove) tweeted “OMG DbD craps in public! Details emerging!” along with pictures and live video.
New Yorkers everywhere rejoiced, assured that their mayor was not a heathen.
“I was very happy to hear about de Blasio’s dump,” said New York resident Daniel Aria. “I think it’s his duty as our mayor to stay at our level. He finally got his shit together, and I think most New Yorkers would agree that he’s redeemed himself in our eyes.”
“It was a magical moment,” said McDonald’s cashier Diana Lee. “He came out of the bathroom, and didn’t even wash his hands. It was a memory I’ll treasure forever.”
De Blasio does not plan to stop there, however. To re-align himself with the common man, he has revealed future plans to jaywalk at every opportunity possible, piss on the subway tracks when no one is looking, and honk his car horn incessantly, everywhere.