International Skating Union to Replace Figure Skating Judges with Bond Henchmen
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND — The International Skating Union has announced their intention to replace all current figure skating judges with various henchmen featured in the popular 007 franchise of movies.
“We have realized that the previous judges were already similar enough to the various petty villains of the James Bond series,” said Selina Vanier, a spokesperson for the skating union. “Their vulnerability towards bribes, largely Eastern European heritage with good old fashioned Cold-War-style obedience to Russia, and outright sketchy backgrounds were a match made in heaven.”
The villainy community has responded with much enthusiasm, noting this will keep the straggling group of hitmen, quirky millionaires, and disgraced government officials afloat going forward.
“Since 9/11, they no make movie about us,” said Ilya Vladikov, a former KGB agent who now works as a freelance filmmaker/assassin. “Have you seen Skyfall? No KGB, not even mention. No cabbage for my little girls. Now, I make Mother Russia happy, my girls get cabbage and no one dead. Perfect.”
Industry sources suspect the recent string of judging controversies may have led the ISU to adopt the changes. The irregularities and bribing scandals have plagued the sport’s formerly stellar reputation. Former US Figure Skating Association president Mike Harold speculates the move may cut down on complaints made by runners up of competitions.
“When you’re not sure if there were any foul play involved, you’re going to make allegations,” he said. “Now that there’s not a single doubt whether these new judges are taking bribes, complaining is just going to sound pointless.”
The ISU expects the changes will have minimal practical impact on the sport from how competitions are scored currently. When asked if the minimal impact expected is an increase in Russian figure skating golds, ISU officials declined to specify.
At press time, sources close to President Vladimir Putin of Russia report that the president was seen muttering under his breath.
“If only hockey was scored by judges.”