Black Man Convicted of Basically Everything

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Darius Williams, a fifty-eight year old African-American man from Florida, has been convicted of attempted assault, attempted battery, attempted intimidation, and attempted carjacking of four white girls outside a convenience store.

Williams claimed that on the day of the crime, the girls had been playing One Direction at an unconscionable volume, causing “severe” headaches for the migraine-prone defendant.

“I just couldn’t handle the shrieking,” Williams testified. “And when it changed to that Justin Beaver crap, I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Williams reportedly exited his vehicle, approached the Porsche (one of the girls had borrowed the car without the knowledge of her parents), and knocked on the window. Witnesses reported him asking, “Excuse me, miss, could you please turn down the volume?”

At this point, the driver, Brittany Walker, rolled down the window to answer, “Fuck off, grandpa,” and proceeded to sing into an open bottle of beer like a microphone. When Williams repeated his request, Rebecca Jones, another passenger shrieked, “He’s, like, harassing us!” Jones then opened her car door into Williams’s side and the group careened out of the parking lot, leaving him lying on the ground with a broken rib.

“I have never been so scared in my life,” Brittany Walker later claimed. “I thought he was going to hurt us. He threatened to kill us!”

According to a key witness for the prosecution, “it looked like [the girls] assaulted [Williams] more than he assaulted them. And they were sort of drunk. And they had stolen the car. But they’re white, so even if it looked that way, it’s probably not how it happened.”

Upon hearing Williams’s guilty verdict, Miss Walker commented to reporters, “I should get to listen to my music at whatever volume I want. This is America, so we’re supposed to, like, have freedom and equality and stuff.”

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