Commissioner of Baseball Investigating Allegations of Witchcraft against San Francisco Giants
SAN FRANCISCO, CA ̶ After its third World Series title in five years, the San Francisco Giants are currently under review for suspected use of witchcraft to control the outcomes of the games.
According to Oliver Paterson, Tim Lincecum’s personal masseuse, Bruce Bochy, the team’s manager, has made frequent reference to his “secret weapon” and his “good luck charm.” He speculates said weapon could have been obtained by the team’s witch doctor, Bradley Van der Smith.
Van der Smith has been written up many times for animal cruelty, including attempted de-footing of a pet rabbit and unlicensed removal of horseshoes. He is also being investigated by the Society for Ethical Botanicals for growing genetically modified four-leaf clovers.
In a post-Series interview, Bud Selig, the Commissioner of Baseball, insisted that the utmost care was being taken with this review of the team’s tactics. Selig’s controversial 2009 ruling banning the use of “shamans, rain dancers, spirit-walkers, witches, genies, warlocks, psychics, wizards, and/or poltergeists by any Major League Team during the regular or post-season” has traditionally been interpreted to allow witch doctors as medical personnel, provided that the doctor in question focuses solely on healing their players. Cursing opposing players has, of course, been banned since the 1919 World Series.
If Selig does find evidence that Van der Smith has been “fixing” games, it could lead to the Giants’ retroactive disqualification from the 2014 World Series, passing on the title to the Kansas City Royals. The Giants would also be subject to heavy restrictions regarding the importation and recruitment of replacement witch doctors.
Additionally, Selig’s ruling could spell the end of witch doctors throughout Major League Baseball. If Selig reinterprets his 2009 ruling to include witch doctors, an estimated thirty witch doctors could be out of a job by the end of the year, which could spell doom for their families. While the witch doctoring industry boomed in the nineties, nowadays witch doctors can only find employment on professional sports teams.
In preparation for the ruling, the New York Yankees have already started searching for a vampire or werewolf to replace Todd Wyatt as the highest-paid supernatural creature in the MLB.