Trump Drops Out Just to Fuck with Us
NEW YORK – In what has already been a crazy few days in politics, with both Ted Cruz and John Kasich throwing in the towel following an abysmal Indiana primary, Donald Trump has once again taken the spotlight with the most unexpected announcement since Ben Carson dropped out to spend more time with his knitting circle; he will be suspending his campaign for the Republican nomination effective immediately. In a surprise press conference held in the lobby of Trump Tower in midtown Manhattan, Trump shocked supporters and the unfortunate reporters tasked with covering his every waking moment by announcing that he would be abandoning the now clear path to the GOP nomination.
According to campaign manager and terrible person in his own right Corey Lewandowski, “[Trump] started this as a joke. There’s no way he thought he’d be a serious candidate. When he insulted Mexicans, disabled people, veterans, Muslims, Millennials, people with common decency, women, and the blacks, we all figured people would get the idea.” He went on, chuckling to himself, “Let’s see the Republicans recover from this.”
Surrounded by a haunted-looking Chris Christie, an ebullient Hillary Clinton, and several Miss Universe contestants, Trump began his speech by saying “Well, that was easy” and then pantomimed what officials with the Trump campaign called John Kasich getting murdered by the Zodiac Killer. It was only after several minutes of rambling foreign policy that he announced his decision. “Yeah, you’ve been duped,” he said, gesticulating wildly. “You see, it’s just more fun to watch the world burn than to be setting fires all the time.”
Trump left the rally carried on a palanquin by four burly men in fetish outfits, raising a defiant middle finger, and fist-bumping Clinton on his way to the elevator.