Study Confirms That, Despite Wanting to, Gays Cannot Create Hurricanes

A recent investigation conducted by Andrew Sloss, a professor within Northwestern’s Earth and Planetary Sciences department and atmospheric science expert, concluded that gays cannot create hurricanes regardless of effort. The 15-year international collaboration tested the common hypothesis that the slew of recent hurricanes are a result of gay energy stored over the past decade and unleashed when the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. Unfortunately for many conservative pundits, the analysis found no correlation between the pent-up communal anger shared by the gay community and hurricane frequency/intensity.

“The results surprised all of us,” reported Sloss. “We had some of the most prestigious global institutions working together to create a cutting edge experiment. NASA, NOAA, the American Geophysical Union, Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the Vatican, and Breitbart all came together for the first time in history to really look at the gay community’s effect on natural hazards.”

Sloss had been criticized for not including any LGBT groups in his process but defended himself saying, “by including any LGBT-identifying individuals we could have drastically skewed the results of the experiment. When your theory revolves around the effects of gay exclusion in modern politics the last thing we’d want is to alter the scientific process.”

The results have not surprised any gay people. According to Lisette Ainsley, a lesbian storm chaser, the gay community has long realized their influence over the weather extends only to creating heat lightning around the homes of conservative politicians. “It’s not like we haven’t tried,” said Ainsley, “but we just don’t have the ability to efficiently harness our collective anger to the degree the nation expects. We’d need a couple more decades of the status quo before category one hurricanes are even on the table.”

According to reports, after Ainsley’s statements went public, Sloss has decided to switch the focus of his experiments. For the coming years, he has secured grants to investigate if the Earth gets flatter every time someone insists humans have no effect on climate change.

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