Morty Inconsolable After Visiting Haunted House
Northwestern University police were seen shepherding a bawling Morty into a SafeRide late Halloween night after visiting a haunted house put on by an unnamed Greek organization. After arguing about the $5 cover, Morty was seen strutting into the off-campus residence in a CVS brand devil mask and a large pillowcase with the word “TREAT” written on it hastily in black Sharpie.
“Dude was stoked on our spooky house party,” confirms Ricky LeChatreuse, WCAS ’20, the brother working the door that evening. “I had to card him to make sure he wasn’t some Evanston rando trying to sneak in but then he threatened to suspend our entire chapter indefinitely so it was chill.”
Inside, eyewitness reports say that Morty was immediately overwhelmed by the flashing lights and cobwebs covering the interior of the house. After half an hour spent making sure the spiders around the bar weren’t real, Morty allegedly worked up the courage to venture deeper into the house.
According to Anna Weisse, SESP ’20, “he accidentally walked into the bathroom, saw the mold and cockroaches that are, y’know, just a normal frat bathroom thing, and started sobbing. Just sobbing. The poor sweetheart.”
NUPD was already in the area and kindly offered to escort the distressed university president back to his residence. “We were actually going to shut down the party,” stated Officer Dante Wallace “but one look at his scared face made me realize this was much more important than the noise complaints and reports of underage consumption we had received.”
At time of press Morty has released an email stating to the Northwestern student body that he “totally wasn’t even scared” and that he “was just getting into it, seriously guys. That wasn’t even hardcore everything looked totally fake.”