Report: Tech Dangerously Underpopulated by Bees

In a recently published report, McCormick freshman Peter Hanson argued that Tech has a potentially catastrophic lack of bees. “It’s really disturbing how few bees I find within Tech. As it’s such a large building, I would expect a much greater population of bees to be found. I mean, we should be getting weekly stinging reports, but I haven’t heard a buzz in months.”

Hanson went on to argue that the lack of bees is perhaps one of the greatest threats facing the school; even greater than the travel ban or rising cost of tuition. “People should be very afraid. I haven’t seen a single bee in Tech at all the past few months. No bees in Tech means no honey in Tech. No honey in Tech is a catastrophe!” The report also claims that fewer bees means a greater risk of crime within the building, though it’s unclear how he came up with that.

Hanson has started planning a protest for the lack of bees. “I just want to get back to a healthy level of bees within the building. But no one is taking my report seriously.”

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