Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade Raises Minimum Gun Buying Age to 14
In light of recent events and the current political climate, Southern landmark, Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, has announced a controversial decision to ban the sale of all firearms to all people younger than 14. Viewed by some critics as bending to political pressure, Big Al himself announced that lemonade sales will still be unrestricted despite the new firearms policy.
“I find this here new regulation to be classic liberal bullshit propaganda,” stated Chuck Horowitz, a 14-year-old high school freshman. “I’ve been a man for well over a year, at least according to my Bar Mitzvah and Jewish law. I’m accountable for my actions now and I want to be able to get my guns and lemonade at one location. This is important to my heritage.”
Further adding to the confusion, a new bill proposed in the House would allow for any person over the age of 21 buying lemonade at Big Al’s to purchase a small caliber handgun providing the purchaser has no prior fruit-based offences. However, a rider on the bill would redirect half the profits from the combined lemonade/gun sale toward the NRA sponsored program “Infant Rifle Awareness and Culling” program. This discretionary spending would fund a program that exposes children younger than 2 years old to firearms, then leaves them alone with the weapons until one emerges victorious.
“The NRA respects the actions taken by Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, but we believe the constitutional freedom of all men should never be infringed,” said NRA spokesman, Elliot Dugg. “but the NRA’s IRAC program will reduce school gun violence while still providing every child, no matter how confused or insecure they are as they struggle through puberty, the right to express their feelings with firearms. Statistically, less kids means less violence. Science is on our side.”
Protestors who initially opposed Big Al for not going far enough are now defending his policy change after the NRA’s response. “We’re not really sure where we are at this point,” admitted Gary Leibnitz, 45, father of 2. “All I know is that we never should have gotten involved in IRAC.” Leibnitz then left to distribute “No blood for lemonade” bumper stickers.
In response to the media outcry over the Big Al policy change, students in high schools nationwide have been rotating silently in place to demonstrate their inability to follow the ever-changing flux of both parties’ stance on how exactly they should avoid being killed.