Northwestern University Health Services sent out an email last Monday reminding sick students to rest up, drink lots of water, and cough extra loudly in Mudd Library.
Author Archives: Ari Mostow
President Morton Schapiro, recently ranked “best current president of Northwestern,” told Flipside reporters after the dining hall report came out that he was happy to just be in the top ten for once.
“Since the bike path is still complete, students who enjoyed using it to commute more easily from north to south are able to continue to do so, just like they already have been.”
“Oh, by the way, do you know of any other funerals happening this weekend? I need some more sound bytes of people crying for my podcast assignment.”
“We trust that you guys are responsible enough to spank yourselves with a paddle, so we’re not gonna check for bruises,” said fraternity president Jason Clover
“Yeah, my parents and siblings will be here, so I’m going to pretend not to be disgusting for a couple days,” said Sanders in an interview.
“I never wanted to be a mascot growing up. My dream was to move to an artist colony in Paris to pursue my passion of paw painting, but I got addicted to coke.”
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos tweeted, “Who’s Morty, and what the hell is Catcash?”
“This explains so much about The Rock’s psyche,” he said to Flipside reporters, “It knows it’s a total failure compared to its cousin, so it covers itself in paint to mask its own inferiority complex. Truly fascinating.”
“The hardest part of the class so far has been yelling swear words into my phone while shoving past families with young children.”