“Do they mean, like, 10% of the population of whales? Or like, do they mean they get to keep a flipper or something?”
Author Archives: Grant Kegel
“Once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”
Shower caddies are overrated. Golf caddies will carry your toiletries with flair, AND they’ll grab you a cocktail from the club’s bar for a tenner.
Rather than having to put in user details, the app uses the camera to do a facial scan and delivers a verdict of “Honey, No, Come on.”
“Sure, she’s not holding a solo front and center, but the ongoing keg stand and Jell-O shots behind the group kinda break the illusion that this was just a sober, intimate get-together among friends and also forty of their closest, shirtless fraternity friends.”
“It was a nightmare. Scalding matzah ball soup blinded four and stab wounds from Iraqi kebabs took the lives of two Buddhist passersby. Also, the vegan table is now totally covered in Kosher brisket shrapnel. What am I supposed to eat now?”
“It’s the darnedest thing!” squeaked manager Mark Shales.
these beats are, in fact, sick, but unfortunately never saw the light of day because “they would have blown the American public’s mind, figuratively, of course”.
professional study group casters are saying this is Buchanan’s worst gaff yet since the botched “pull my finger” play in 2015
“When he greeted me, he had one of those Commie-French accents. Who the hell are they letting into our schools these days?”