“We are honored to present Bandit ‘the Outdoor Roomba’ with this degree,” stated university President Morton Shapiro, “this little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel it’s time to recognize his achievements.”
Author Archives: Michael Campbell
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
“He needs the sun to raise his body temperature to the optimal algorithm-writing temperature.”
Celebrating the end of a successful college career full of lifelong friendships and treasured experiences that will never be forgotten, a lucky student has had their hard work rewarded by landing the one job that combines both their passion and career goals. Unfortunately, it was not you.
According to the person you think you know well enough to commit in advance to sharing a room with, the coming and going of the drones gathering pollen shouldn’t bother you.
The picture, taken by a photographer they hired after you moved out and stopped freeloading, shows your parents’ smiling faces more animated and in love than you’ve ever seen them
“It was good I had the cheat code that got me an entry-level position at my dad’s consulting firm.”
‘I’m sure there’s more on there that we never found,’ reported Danica Jackson, SoC ’20, ‘but after we cleared off “Raccoon Hurricane 2019” and “Reagan’s Back!” we started to wonder if this was a good idea.’
This setback comes after the delay of the new student center, forcing Morty to try and combine funding for the two projects by seeking out a donor with an interest both in improving the student experience and hunting exotic animals.
“Well instead of waking up at 6:30 am to frantically add classes to my cart before they get stolen out from under me, I’m taking Engineering Fluid Mechanics,” stated Comm studies major Gerry Shilvonotrov.