“No way I’m going over there,” Silva told reporters. “Old Man Jenkins is scary. He kills boys that sneak into his yard and cooks them into a stew.”
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Students interviewed overwhelmingly agreed that that using the hash tag “MeetMeAtNorris” allows them to maximize their illegal activity during ten minute passing periods.
The whale was reportedly seen going up to students, taking pictures with them, then asking, “you got some booze I can bum off you,” in the deepest voice he could muster.
Cornelius will have an uphill battle ahead of him—that is, in addition to losing his virginity, he also has to talk to a female for the first time.
Local sources have reported that area freshman Barry Danovar reportedly said “Lol, more like Dildo Day, am I right” at a local party in an attempt to pick up chicks last night.
“I didn’t know what any of those words meant, but I figured I’d start with finding out who this Pusher Tee is.”
“The last time I was this stressed was when I got a terrible registration time for winter quarter of freshman year and found out the only open classes I could take were Orgo, EA, and EECS 211.”
Mayfest released a statement this week regarding the addition: “We know that not everyone wants to listen to random bands and rappers that they sort of vaguely know, so, we decided to bring in those podcasters that you’ve been meaning to listen to but just haven’t had the time lately.”
A tapestry depicting the crushing of a philosophy major’s dreams under the boot of market forces has already been put up in the faculty lounge on the third floor.
“Morty floods our inboxes every day with notifications about yet another tuition hike and impassioned rants about why cats are better than dogs. Whenever a student objects, he immediately blocks them so that they can’t respond to his emails. Then, he goes onto their course pages and secretly changes the dates of all their midterms.”