The maiden voyage of the jewel-encrusted sea vessel had been scheduled for yesterday despite inclement weather warnings.
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“A local bike shop was there to pump the tires and make sure the bikes could still perform, despite being inactive for an entire quarter.”
“We know people don’t really read the One Book,” she explained, “but if it is filled with drawings of lovable ninja adolescents and their enlightening journeys to become the greatest Hokage the village has ever had, what college student could possibly pass that up?”
“He ripped off factors, canceled like terms in his numerator and denominator … and let me say, his denominator was not bad at all.”
“Neither the size of Powell’s dick in particular nor the horniness of the Eastern Bloc ambassadors more generally should take away from our efforts to provide security and prosperity to the world,” the high school senior said.
“We are honored to present Bandit ‘the Outdoor Roomba’ with this degree,” stated university President Morton Shapiro, “this little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel it’s time to recognize his achievements.”
Though the free condoms and candy of Northwestern’s Sex Week have come and gone, its effects on the student body have only just begun to be felt – and explored.
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
“As if I didn’t trust Facebook enough already,” said Ted Damon, area father, “I can definitely put my faith in it now that it’s showing me how well it knows me.” Prompted for clarification, Damon said, “Who doesn’t love a business that listens to its customers?”
“He needs the sun to raise his body temperature to the optimal algorithm-writing temperature.”