“We are honored to present Bandit ‘the Outdoor Roomba’ with this degree,” stated university President Morton Shapiro, “this little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel it’s time to recognize his achievements.”
Tag Archives: Morty
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
‘Honestly, he’s been trying to break them since 2002. We’ll see how it goes now.’
Morty will begin by sequestering all of NUPD (on and off duty) to blockade Sheridan from any traffic for one week before and after the parade
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
“We trust that you guys are responsible enough to spank yourselves with a paddle, so we’re not gonna check for bruises,” said fraternity president Jason Clover
“We just barely got out of there before Morty’s wrecking ball crew came in and demolished the whole frat quad.”
“Do I sometimes get jealous of other rankings and their hot Ivy League partners? Sure. But Morty is my man, and I think Northwestern University is a great school to be with,” the ranking said.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos tweeted, “Who’s Morty, and what the hell is Catcash?”