“I knew I should have put on my Willie the Wildcat apron before dishing out such a hearty bowl of chili.”
Tag Archives: Morty
“Morty floods our inboxes every day with notifications about yet another tuition hike and impassioned rants about why cats are better than dogs. Whenever a student objects, he immediately blocks them so that they can’t respond to his emails. Then, he goes onto their course pages and secretly changes the dates of all their midterms.”
Sources have been reporting for the last few days that Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro has recently decided to bust out his temporary tattoo collection in preparation for Dillo Day.
“I noticed Morty barreling down the sidewalk on a forklift that must have been holding at least a thousand samosas. He had a very guilty look on his face, and he gave me $6,000 dollars for promising not to tell anyone.”
Apparently not understanding the difference between “university president” and “student-body president,” Morty Schapiro has permanently moved to Nicaragua under the assumption that the new ASG president has replaced him.
The maiden voyage of the jewel-encrusted sea vessel had been scheduled for yesterday despite inclement weather warnings.
“We are honored to present Bandit ‘the Outdoor Roomba’ with this degree,” stated university President Morton Shapiro, “this little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel it’s time to recognize his achievements.”
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
‘Honestly, he’s been trying to break them since 2002. We’ll see how it goes now.’
Morty will begin by sequestering all of NUPD (on and off duty) to blockade Sheridan from any traffic for one week before and after the parade