In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
Tag Archives: Pat Fitzgerald
“I needed to find a way to make sure we won games,” Fitzgerald said, “and then it hit me, what would happen if we just got some points up on the board, and lo-and-behold, here we are today!”
This year Ryan Field’s atmosphere will be quite different as fans will have little to no confidence in the team as it heads into the difficult part of its schedule.
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”
“There is no meaning or hope in this universe devoid of stability, sacredness, and our best two players,” said Fitzgerald. “There is only the inevitability of misplaced anticipation and false prospect colliding headfirst with the reality of despair and inevitable defeat.”
As the only satirical newspaper on campus, The Northwestern Flipside feels proud (and obligated) to nominate its first annual Homecoming Court and recognize the most notable members of the Northwestern and surrounding Evanston community.
“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions.”
EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most
“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started.”
Stefan Demos kicked a 45-yard game-tying field goal for Northwestern Saturday as angels ascended onto Ryan Field and Jesus appeared on the sideline to give Pat Fitzgerald a high-five.